Cherish this time

Sunday 11 August 2024

I’m been talking lately with a friend with a four-month-old baby. He mentioned the well-worn dynamic that older parents tell new parents to cherish their early days with their newborn, that they will grow up faster than you expect.

I agree with the general sentiment, but I don’t think it’s a good thing to tell new parents. First, let’s be honest: there’s a lot of time with a four-month-old that is not easy. Many of the days (and nights!) are very difficult. If you tell someone “cherish this time” and they feel burdened, overworked, confused, tired, or stressed, then they can easily feel like they are doing it wrong. They can feel like they are failing to cherish the time, an important thing they aren’t doing right. New parents already have enough conflicting advice and nearly impossible things to do. Don’t add cherishing to their list.

Besides, “cherish” sounds like a needlepoint on sale at a greeting-card store. It’s saccharine and simplistic. I think what those older parents mean is, “I cherish my memories from that time,” which I can totally relate to.

I’d say this to a new parent:

This time is difficult, but there are also good things about it. It will get easier. There are things about now that you will miss when they are gone. I don’t know what you should do with that information, but you should at least know it.

I’ve also heard this said as, “the days are long and the years are short,” which is also very true.

One of the things I value now about my time as a new parent was the focus it brought. The night before our second son was born, Susan had bad pain from the baby pressing against her back. The best solution we had was for me to press a tennis ball into the small of her back. We were up most of the night dealing with that difficulty. It was a hard night, but we look back on it fondly as Tennis Ball Night. We were focused together on an immediate problem. It reduced our diameter of concerns and we supported each other to get through it.

The early days of the pandemic had a similar effect: many of our usual duties were dropped or deferred while we figured out what to do. It also was a parenting challenge, since our 30-year-old disabled son came back to live with us. We had to focus on what we needed and what he needed: activities and exercise, and how to stay safe. Other usual concerns could wait.

Whatever happens, parenting will be the “most” thing you ever do. It’s a life-long project, and you have little control over much of it. It’s impossible to do it all correctly, it’s impossible to avoid mistakes. There’s no rulebook to ensure everything goes well.

I’m a long way past the four-month-old stage. But parenting is still a big part of my life, and not an easy part. Not as big or as not-easy as when my sons were four months old, but it’s still something I do, and it requires care and attention.

I won’t say you should cherish parenting. Do your best, it will be fine, and enjoy it in your own way if you can.

Comments

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We were focused together on an immediate problem. It reduced our diameter of concerns and we supported each other to get through it.

Not a parent myself, but this quote really resonated with me! My partner and I recently completed a very difficult multi day hike together, and we came out of it feeling much closer than before. Great post!

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A refrain that my wife and I were told by a much older parent that we’ve come to appreciate (and remind ourselves often, even now that we’re out of the baby stage) is: “these are the days”

It doesn’t feel like it when we’re tired, annoyed, stressed & trying to figure out how to deal with the umpteenth ridiculous issue of the day… but at some point we’ll look back and long for days like these.

I like how you end with:

I don’t know what you should do with that information, but you should at least know it.

That’s often how it feels when we remind each other “these are the days”, because it sure doesn’t feel like it! But something about knowing/remembering that fact during the hard times brings a little peace to otherwise hectic situations.

So maybe you don’t do anything with the information, just knowing it is the entire point…

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